To the Mom Who Cries in the Bathroom

You are not alone.

You held a warm coffee mug in your hands this morning to ward off some of your eternal fatigue and brain fog but all it really did was make you feel more jittery and anxious. You reason that at least you have a bit of pep in your step to get things done and that you will sleep again someday.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

You threw up an anxious prayer to the God of the Universe to protect your children while also apologizing to Him for feeling so anxious all the time when you know he will meet your needs and watch over your household. But, bad things still happen even to the most well-meaning and tender-hearted parents, you tell yourself.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

You apologize to your kids for being tired and cranky. You drag yourself around getting everything done and everyone else cared for like you are on auto-pilot. Everyone tells you to enjoy while they are young and sweet and all home with you and safe. But sometimes you just need a little peace and quiet.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

You worry when your kids are sick or cranky or just not quite themselves. You internalize the moods of each person in your family and everyone you come into contact with. You worry whether or not you said the right thing or did the right thing.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

You worry that your kids will become worriers just like you. You wish you could brush things off like your spouse or other family members or friends. You wear perfectionism like a warm blanket even when you are already sweating. You fear failure and have trouble embracing change.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

You retreat to your bedroom with your lights off when someone else has the kids just to get a break from it all. You wish your body had a sleep mode so you could shut off your racing mind and heart for a bit and leave the housework and to-do lists for another day.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

When one of your kids gets hurt, physically or emotionally, you panic. You go into fight or flight, you internalize their pain and wish it was you who fell off the monkey bars or smacked their head on the corner of the coffee table. The smallest of incidents that bother no one else are so hard for you to brush off.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

You apologize to your husband for locking the bathroom door while you cry, while the weight of the world feels like it is crushing you. You really just need a moment of release, to let your own flood gates open before you go back into the chaos and demands of your everyday life. You apologize for having no energy left at the end of the day.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

You carry guilt around like it’s another one of your kids. You feed it and listen to it talk in your head. You have an incredibly difficult time with making mistakes and accepting criticism and rejection. Being a Mom has only amplified this for you. You fear judgement and you are overwhelmed with unsolicited advice on how to raise your kids.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I wanted you to know that it’s okay to feel like things are too heavy sometimes. That it’s okay to believe in your heart that you need to let go and let God but also not really know how to do that when it comes to your precious babies.

I wanted you to know that it’s okay to cry in the bathroom because it’s the only place you can turn on the fan where no one will hear and you can have moments peace and quiet.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.