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The day I got the DUI I had prayed for

Shared with permission from Mesha Brink.

Six months ago something happened to me that would forever change the course of my life. ⠀

The night before it happened I literally made a commitment with God that if He gave me this one thing, I would never again touch alcohol or drugs of any kind.⠀

Driving home from a Dierks Bentley concert with Adison, my son’s father, the thing that I prayed for (the night before) was in my rear view mirror flashing red and blue lights. ⠀

I got a DUI

I asked God if He wanted me to quit drinking and smoking to give me a DUI. I know it sounds crazy, but I needed it so badly and it’s exactly what I got. ⠀

Writing this I feel the feeling that I did in that moment. Shame, guilt, vulnerability, even though I asked for it, I didn’t really want to be a mom with a DUI.

This wasn’t the kind of thing that “good” moms got. ⠀

Well, I wasn’t doing the kinds of things that “good” moms do. I was numbing myself every single day and hoping that it wouldn’t have an effect on my son, Dax. I was fighting a battle of trying to be present with him, but escape from my reality at the same time.

I was not ‘fine’⠀

I knew deep down that this could not continue. The problem was that I wasn’t ready to stop. I wasn’t ready to face my demons. It was so much easier for me to run away and pretend that everything was fine. ⠀

Nothing was fine. I didn’t have it together. My life was a vicious cycle of trying to get out of my own skin while trying to keep my son in his. ⠀

Today is the day that I let go of the shame of not only getting a DUI, but also the feeling that I’m a terrible mom because of it. ⠀

It’s your own choice to make that change

We as mothers make mistakes. We fall down and have to figure out a way to pull ourselves back up, sometimes daily. ⠀

The problem lays when we decide to keep staying down when we get knocked on our ass. Get up and make a change. ⠀

We would never tell our children if they fail that they aren’t “good”, so why are we telling it to ourselves? ⠀

Let this be your sign.

You are worthy, you are loved, and you most certainly are good enough.

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