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Monopolized by Motherhood

The man I love hasn’t seen his wife in a few months. I know he misses her – he tells me often. I feel terrible that she isn’t around to support him and love him the way he desires.

It’s really sad actually. His wife didn’t come home from the hospital the day that the baby did. She walked into the hospital as a wife but came home as a mother.

That woman was me.

The day I became a mother, the wife in me stepped down. She faded into the background. She was replaced with new responsibilities and priorities. She became a different woman.

I didn’t mean for this to happen. In fact, I always promised myself that it wouldn’t.

I will always put our relationship first by making time for us each night.
I will tend to my marriage daily by being present in our conversations. I will prioritize my husband by tending to his needs first. Yes, I made all the promises – I just haven’t kept them.

My mind has been completely taken over by thoughts of motherhood. If I am not playing with the baby, I am talking about him. If he is sleeping, I am waiting for him to wake up. My days are filled with motherly tasks: folding miniature laundry; singing goofy songs; changing dirty diapers; making bottles. The list goes on and on but none of the tasks include nurturing my marriage.

Only talking about the baby 

We have tried to go on dates – to spend some time one-on-one. I try to get dolled up. I try to look excited. I try to make conversation about something other than a baby.

Sure, we chat and laugh but the man I love sees right through me. He can tell that my mind is focused on the sweet little soul at home. Is the baby okay? Does he miss me? Am I going to miss a milestone? Will he be crying when we get home?

Most of the time our dates are cut short so we can go back home. I rush through my meal—failing to even taste the delicious flavors on my plate. I drain my drink and decline another round when the waitress offers. My responses become shorter and my attention starts to wander. I say I am ‘too full for dessert’ once again, which signals the bill.

We walk through the door and I instantly scoop up our sweet little munchkin and smother his face with kisses. I can see the disappointment in my husband’s eyes. I can see a look of longing— the desire to spend just a little more time with me one-on-one.

I feel bad every time I choose my son over my husband. I search for solitude as guilt takes over. I want to be anywhere out of range of this convicting look.

A sense of defeat washes over me every time I fail to focus on my relationship — leaving me with an aching stomach and a guilty conscience. Yes, it upsets me – I just can’t seem to change it.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband thinks I am an amazing mother. He reminds me often of his appreciation and admiration. He loves seeing the bond I have with our son and how devoted I am to taking care of him. Yes, he loves seeing me as a mother— he just misses seeing his wife.

I need to be that wife my husband married

I don’t want it to be this way. I don’t want to put my husband on the back burner for the next eighteen years. I don’t want to be living in the house with a stranger once the kids leave. I don’t want him to feel replaced or unseen. No, I don’t want it to be this way.

To make matters more complicated, I just found out that I am pregnant again. Our young son is now a big brother! We are excited about our growing family. We always dreamed of hearing several little feet pounding through the house and a bed full of sweet little ones on Saturday mornings. Yes, we wanted this.

I am not afraid to be a mother of two. I know it is going to be a whirlwind but I am up for the challenge. I am afraid, however, of what is going to happen to the wife in me.

Will the fragment that is left disappear altogether?
Will I forget about my relationship completely?
Will my husband go from second place to a distant third?

To be honest, I don’t know what is going to happen but I do know that I am going to put up a fight. I am making it my mission to prioritize my marriage. I am going to work daily to restore my husband to his rightful place at first.

I made a vow to be his wife – to honor and cherish him. It’s time to awaken the wife in me once again. I will become a mother of two in February when I give birth to my second child. This time I plan to leave the hospital as a wife and a mother.

Katelyn Brown

Katelyn Brown is a new face to the blogging world but has been a lifelong writer. She used writing as a therapeutic outlet to overcome a severe bout with anorexia. She has been featured on Her View From Home and The Real Deal of Parenting. Katelyn hopes to build a platform for women to feel empowered by their own flawed journey.

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