I’m not enjoying motherhood right now.
I cringe and duck down as I share that, but it’s the truth.
Before those attack me who can’t have children and before those who come at me whose children are grown up and remind me I’ll miss this one day, I just need to be real in my feelings.
I’m not trying to upset or trigger anyone. I’m not trying to be an almost middle aged, ungrateful spoiled brat. I’m just trying to share the sinking season I’ve been trying to navigate.
I love my children with my entire being, but I just don’t find myself enjoying much, in motherhood and in life in general.
I’m constantly stressed.
A typical weekend for us is 7+ games between all of our kids’ sports.
My kids ask me if I’m watching and coming. Yes and yes, but I won’t enjoy it as I really rarely get to watch. To be honest, I’d love to sit and really watch, but I’m chasing after a baby or running off to another kid’s event or taking another one to the bathroom or running back to car for this or that.
I then rush through the door when we make it home: I give the baby a fresh diaper, switch out the dishwasher, switch out the dryer, pick up with drinks and snacks in my office by my computer that I’ve told my kids never to eat and drink there, run to pee as I haven’t in hours, answer texts and emails, post for work, repeat the same thing I already did 17 times earlier today for kids to stop fighting and it’s just a cycle on … repeat.
I check in on family and friends and sometimes it’s hard as even though for most of them, I’m the busiest, they don’t often reach out first to check on me.
That’s disheartening. It bothers me, and it’s frustrating. My circles get smaller, but I guess it should make me wiser.
My phone “dings” with alarms going off all day and night (reminders from watering the plants or starting to get the kids ready for this practice to a work meeting or obligation that’s due) – my life is full of alarms right now. It’s supposed to help ease me with reminders going off, but it doesn’t. It brings me more stress.
I walk from room to room to find shoes and clothes (inside out that I beg my kids not to do yet they don’t listen to me on this), bathroom garbages filled, toilet paper rolls needing changed, the dishes needing switched again where the sink has overflowing bowls of cereal uneaten and everyone just thinks and wait, “Mom will do it…”
Yes, I know: this is a respect and discipline and consistency problem I have to get control over in my own home – you don’t need to tell me this, I already know it. But this is life right now.
There’s never enough of me to go around.
There’s never enough time.
I just want an alarm to pop up on my phone: “Do nothing. Sit. Breathe. Just be. Don’t worry. Don’t you dare go to the next thing on your list. Just sit and be.”
My heart is heavy every single day almost all hours of the day with the state the world is in. I think of all the hurt and suffering and debilitating pain and abuse, the hunger, and it consumes me and makes me feel like both a selfish and ignorant person to feel the way I do.
But these feelings of drowning most days are real.
The monotony of exhaustion and stress are real.
The unhappiness is real.
The feeling abundantly blessed and trying to thank God all the while feeling like you’re about to collapse on your hamster wheel, yes … is real.
Part of me is happy knowing this world doesn’t bring me much happiness as I know where and Who my peace and happiness is to come from.
But this season of life is a tricky one for me.
I’ve never felt more blessed, and yet I’ve never felt so completely drained and questioning almost everything I’m doing.
I talked to one of my best friends today, and she told me to journal to help ease some of, well … all of “this”.
I told her my first thought is that it’s make me uneasy and panicky because while I’m journaling I’m going to not be feeling peace as there’s so many other things I “need” to be doing.
So instead I’m here trying to take her advice and sharing this with all of you.
If you’re feeling like me, know it’s just a season.
Seasons change; they have to.
Things have to give.
God often allows us to be pushed to limits because He needs us refined and reformed.
Realize that those who smile the most and go out of their way the most are often the ones crumbling under a heavy plate.
Also be kind to yourself – sometimes you’re the one who needs the most grace.