My husband, my children and my closest family members know my story, so I have no shame in telling it. My only hope and prayer is that if you’re reading this, God will soften your heart. I’m opening up an enormous wound; a wound that will never heal, until I reach the other side of heaven.
Exercising my “choice”
I am a conservative, Christian, pro-life advocate who used my right to “choose” back when I was a teen. Back when my braces had just come off, and I had just gotten my license. I thought I was grown, so I was making grown-up choices. I was 16 years old. One of those choices, the choice to have sex, ended with my becoming pregnant. The very first time I had sex. Yes, it happens.
Through a series of extremely emotional events, one of my parents found out, and then the other. Out of respect for them, I will not share their details of that time. Just know that this was a taboo topic. How does a 16 year old raise a baby? What would my extended family think? We came from a Christian, gospel music, singing family. A teen mom could not be what I would become. All I knew was that I needed to get back to my “life”, which included singing, water skiing, etc. I wanted a “fix” to what I had done.
So, I made the appointment. And I kept it.
The decision that changed everything
The New Woman, All Women Health Center in Birmingham, Alabama.
I walked in and signed the papers, like I was having some routine check up done. They called me back and made me watch a video. Did I really know what I was doing? This video showed teen moms, struggling to pull it together. Barely making ends meet. A horrible depiction. Who wanted that life? No one!
Yes, sign me up.
I was granted the ability to be sedated during my abortion (for an extra cost, of course), so I wouldn’t remember the way it felt. The pain. The sounds. The pressure. Any of it.
But, not before the clinic did the ultrasound. The screen that shows the heartbeat. Because they have to do that, by law, to ensure that there is “life” to abort. I saw the screen and I turned away. But, I didn’t turn away from a mass of cells, which is what they told me it was. I turned away from my baby.
Don’t be fooled, people. Yes, I made the decision. Yes, I owned it. But had even one person in that clinic offered me another choice, I might’ve taken it. I saw my baby’s heartbeat. In the same way that newly expectant mothers see it, joyfully, for the first time. I saw it, but with shame. Did you know they make you wait past a certain point in pregnancy before abortion is an option? To make sure they “get it all”? But, they told me it wasn’t “life”, that it was just a mass of cells. Then they have to examine it all, once you’re done, to ensure the process is completed. I won’t describe the gruesome details, but just stop here. Pause and think what they’re examining.
Life or not-a-life. A mass of cells or a baby.
Here’s what isn’t semantics: this is not pro-life or pro-choice. This is pro-life or pro-death. Because here’s what died when I chose abortion:
- my baby
- my heart
- my family’s love for me
- my parents’ marriage
- my connection with friends
- my hope of ever feeling God’s love and mercy
- my dreams for my future
- my innocence
- my dreams to ever become a “real” mom
- my intimacy with my future husband
Calling abortion exactly what it is
Abortion is murder. It kills all of those things, and it kills a baby. It is darkness, and it feeds a lie. It steals, kills and destroys. It causes PTSD. It requires therapy. It requires deliverance.
It means you can’t watch diaper commercials with your mom. It means you wonder if you’ll ever be able to get pregnant when you want to. It means “will I have anything left of myself to give to my future husband” when the time comes. It makes you question if you truly know God. It is dirty. Ugly. Heinous. It is the literal enemy of your soul.
And that’s not a “choice”. It’s a death sentence. This is abortion. This is what “choice” gives you.
There is hope and healing
In my 20s, God led me to a post-abortion recovery program.* God walked with me, and freed me. I was released from guilt and shame. The void left by my “choice” will never go away. But I can live my life, removed from the condemnation that was a consequence of my sin.
And let’s be real. It was sin. There is no sugar coating it.
My consequence on earth is separation from my 33 year old son. My reward, however, is my belief in Jesus as my savior, and the knowledge that I will see my son, again.
And here’s redemption:
- my baby is alive, with Jesus
- my heart is fully restored
- my family’s love for me was made whole
- my parents’ marriage was ultimately not my responsibility
- my connection with my true friends was preserved
- my hope of ever feeling God’s love and mercy was renewed, because His mercies are new everyday
- my dreams for my future were realized
- my innocence, while tarnished, was redeemed
- my dreams to ever become a “real” mom were actualized
- my intimacy with my future husband was preserved, thank God
God gave me two amazing kids on this earth. One incredible husband. Many amazing family members. God has forgiven me. He granted me grace. Diaper commercials no longer torment me. I no longer live in shame. Guilt doesn’t wrack my body.
The ripples of my abortion
But He is holding a very special person, and waiting on me, to get to Heaven. My daughter, now 25, and my son, 19, know this story. My sweet daughter has wept alongside me, and my son said, “I wish you’d kept him. I’ve always wanted a brother.”
Yes, son. Yes.
If you’re reading the words on this page, and you’re a post-abortive woman, let this be your call to speak out. Maybe, if enough of us come forward, the loud, obnoxious mouthpieces will be silenced. This isn’t a “platform”. It’s not a topic to sway votes, in an election. We literally hold the balance of life and death with this “choice”.
Please, Jesus, tip the scales and let one life be saved.
I am pro-fetus.
I am pro-baby.
I am pro-Jesus.
I am pro-life.
*Editor’s note: If you are in need of healing from your abortion or know someone who is, Support After Abortion offers healing programs for both men and women. They are a wonderful resource.