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A letter to the baby I lost

[trigger: miscarriage]

Dear Little One,

It’s been a year since your birthday and the day you died, too. I know you’re with Jesus now and He’s the best parent you could ever know. Your dad and I weren’t ready to have you. The day we started to think you might exist was the day we lost you. We miss you. We didn’t even know you, but you were a part of us, perhaps the very best parts. We don’t know why you were taken from us, or why God wanted you first, but we trust Him that He knew what was best for you.

I don’t know if you were a boy or a girl. Often I speculate, but it wouldn’t have mattered to us. I want you to know, we love you. You weren’t planned, but you were always wanted. Losing you was the single hardest thing that’s ever happened to me. However, the thought of heaven has been made even sweeter by the thought of meeting you there. What a day that will be!

I wish I knew your name. When I realized I had lost you, I asked God to name you. Most parents tell their children their name, but you’ll have to introduce yourself to me. I want to say that I hope you’re happy, but I know you are. You’re with Jesus and that’s the most wonderful place in all of existence. He chose you. He created you. Your time on earth may have been a handbreadth in length, but you were important. You will always be my first little baby. You will always be my kid. You will be the one that made me a mom, even if I never held you or saw your little face.

I think about you all the time. Every time I meet a little baby, I wonder what you would have been like or what kind of a personality you would have had. Would you have been strong-willed and charming like your dad? Or would you have been easy going like me? Oh, little one, words will never say what you have meant in my life. I know God will use you and your story. If there’s one thing we learn on this earth, it’s that He never wastes pain. The only way I got through losing you was when He reminded me that He lost a son too.

You’re growing older, little one and oh, how I wish I was there to see it. You will grow strong and whole. You’ll never know pain or fear or even disappointment. The one joy I have is that I will never know the fear of you not knowing Jesus. You already see Him face to face! Our story on earth isn’t done yet. Your story in heaven has only just begun. But someday little one, our stories will intertwine again and I’ll be able to hold you for the very first time. Until then, happy birthday, little one.

~Your Mommy

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